To reflect is to take a step back from life both past, present and future looking at ourselves from an outsiders perspective. In a way we leave our bodies temporarily and gaze down on who we were, are or becoming. Reflection can be painful, it can be embarrassing or enlightening. I choose to reflect on something that was recently enlightening.
I woke up this afternoon from a nap and made a connection between shortcomings of my last relationship and my relationship with my father. I found that I tend(ed) to be secretive with both of these individuals. I understood why I was such the international man of mystery to them and why I preferred it this way. It had to do with first and foremost, my relationship with my father. Growing up I kept a lot of information from him and still do regarding my personal life. I do so out of fear of rejection, insults and the Pavlovian cues associated with his response. I gave up a long time ago trying to talk to him and disclose the "happenings" of my life. I push him away.
Subsequently, this also occurred in my last relationship where I was afraid to tell her even the simplest details of my day fearing she would present with the same rejection and disapproval of how I approached task. It was frightening at times. I would approach her, wanting to speak truly from my heart but would get so nervous I would give her the abridged version speaking less from the heart and more on the cues of my stomach working its way into knots.
So what do I do with this now? I introduce (c), the purpose of reflecting. I reflect to gain insight into my ways of being. Ways that maybe didn't work out so great in the past. I choose now in the present to conduct present and future relationships based on discoveries I have made today.
Reflection Eternal: It's a life long process
-FB
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