No Matter What Happens Now

you are my center when i spin away

Love Is Not All

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;
Love can not fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would.

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Around The Roller Rink

let's stay in bed
for the whole day
don't want to go

we won't regret
what we're wasting
and I know now
where I fit in

and though the day
we slowly sink
in the time it takes
to swallow or blink
if you have a thirst
but you do not drink
what use have you
come, fill your glass
with me

surely, I would pass away
if I let you go
if I let you go home

without me
it's an addiction
just one more time
just one more taste

and though the dance
is as slow as sleep
and I don't know
whether I follow or lead
it's the best thing
that could ever be
just to hold your hand
and waltz around the roller rink

J. Nagler, The Velvet Teen

In Steps

What kind of person am I? I haven't even started work and already am I dreading it. Why am I taking a job? I guess to pay off my loans. After that, what? Drop everything again and take off. No income aside from the savings in my pocket? I feel I am not cut out for this life. Suits, dress shoes, ties, networking... So over it before it even begins. Is my appetite to travel never satisfied? I wish something snapped in me that confirmed my need to settle but until then I feel I am just going through the motions of work, work work.

I keep telling myself that it is only temporary. Eyes always set on the greater prize. I guess if this was the job of my dreams I would be excited but it is not. It's another job, a stepping stone, and that's what makes it so hard to accept. Work without passion or satisfaction is the hardest job of them all yet we all need to take responsibility at some point or another.

I should be grateful though for what I have. At least I have a job. More than many in this nation or even the world. What do I want to do with my life? Help people. Yes, I am helping people at this job. I need to shift the focus to my clients and not my own dissatisfaction with walking up early, sacrificing mid-afternoon bike rides, business professional attire. Heck, if I was to volunteer in some other third world county my focus would be the same. Helping for free, tied down to the responsibilities of work. There is a lot of self interest in jobs. We hype up our need to "help business grow or help clientele find solutions" yet we are secretly looking out for ourselves. At least that's how I have been feeling lately.

Thanks for letting me rant

Too Much

Makes me feel good and slightly dizzy. I hope it makes you feel good too (dizziness optional)

Locks of Love Pt XIV

February 2011